Our Familyship Baby
The story around Familyship: the who-with-who and why of it all. From childbearing to co-parenting.
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Part 1: Preface Writing a blog, presenting my life publicly and realistically, is a very foreign thing to me. Nevertheless, I decided to do it because I think that my family constellation is a special one; there are hardly any role models for such a model. Not that I now believe I am necessarily such a role model – but there is me and this story and perhaps it takes us a bit further towards an expanded understanding of the everyday. That is my concern. Like so many things, my story starts with a bang. -
Part 2: The Bang There are things that don’t really exist. And certainly not in your own relationship. And then you hear yourself say: leave the keys and go! First it rustles, then it clangs, and finally your apartment door crashes into the lock. You are left alone in the bathtub in which you were just lying together. What you see is fog. Until you realize that this is really happening right now. And then you start to shiver. That was me, after seven years of a marriage-like relationship. -
Part 3: About 12 months before the bath It wasn’t all pretty, no, it was this up and down within the bounds of normal – whatever that might be. One evening, sitting on the sofa, a definite feeling came over me: I want a child. More precisely: my body wants a child. Now. Soon. No, right away. The mind also quickly agreed and my girlfriend saw it the same way. -
Part 4: Emergence of Familyship It was always dark. It was always after the job or weekend or before the job and continuously later fall. What flickered were our monitors. Teacups, coffee mugs, empty cigarette packets on the table. Next to it, stacks of paper with sketches, organizational charts, calculations. I discovered my biggest love-hate relationship when creating terms of… -
Part 5: Dating Man 1: down-to-earth, educated, wealthy. We were nervous, as if it was about the great love. The first phone calls with a shaky voice and a slip of the tongue in every other sentence. The first meeting was a hit. Coffee and cake on an outgoing summer day. Hug at the end, yeah sure, next… -
Part 6: No more searching At some point, the data became dull and if it hadn’t gone further, it would probably have stayed at a hey, and what do you do. So we set about getting to know each other (man 3). Dinners with friends and alone, at home and in restaurants, parties, short vacations, walks, movies, theater, museums, reading… -
Part 7: And now? After all, the bang did not come suddenly. The timing did, but everything else was foreseeable. The decision to continue as a single person was already made before being single had occurred. Because everything else was there: father-to-be, friends, job, family, securities. And, of course, the desire. The dear psyche only first had to be… -
Part 8: Moscow first Two months later. With a travel backpack on my back, I walked through the aisles of Berlin’s Tegel Airport. Tocotronic on the ears, Saturday is suicide. That’s a different site, I thought, checked my luggage and headed for the gate. The plane was half empty. It was January. A window seat and I was happy… -
Part 10: Moscow more The night was sleep-deprived and the morning tired, Red Square freezing cold and Lenin not to be visited today. In restaurants that looked like living rooms, a Berlin feel only different. Big city in the snow with smoking chimneys in front of azure sky, whose color was dull. Gianni lost his gloves. We shared, sometimes… -
Part 11: Moscow and even further We walked on and on and I became more aware and conscious that this was indeed the right path. Step by step we became more sober. One last cigarette in front of the hotel, stepping from one leg to the other. At the reception our question about vodka. We were told in a friendly but… -
Part 12: Moscow after In Berlin one day rest from each other, then another try, right after breakfast. Lie still, feet up. In Berlin, it was less exciting, but somehow also more comfortable. Then back to work. How was your trip? Super! Moscow is really worth seeing, the huge streets, the high houses, this icy cold. Quite an experience…. -
Part 13: Berlin I Wait. Test. Negative. This cannot be. Test again and again and just wait a few more days. And then the certainty and the shock. How can that be? Fucking shit! Two weeks again smoking and drinking and dancing and then again and meanwhile less exciting. Shall we go for a coffee? Good. An hour later,… -
Part 14: Berlin II Wait. Test. Negative. This cannot be. Test again and again and just wait a few more days. And then the certainty and the shock. How can that be? Fucking shit! Two weeks of smoking and drinking and dancing again and then again and in the meantime even less exciting, but more consuming. It did not… -
Part 15: Berlin III Then another cycle and now it was unlikely. Our two lives made a new life impossible in those four weeks. Never mind, try anyway. And then another full moon and I thought jump, jump, jump and ovulation came but way too late and I was frustrated. And I think Gianni does too. We decided to… -
Part 16: OMG If you held the test strip diagonally against the light, you could guess that a line appeared there – next to the control line. The next day it went without slanting and the following day even in the twilight. First with the ovulation test, then with the 10 pregnancy test and finally also with the… -
Part 17: Thingamabob Writing about pregnancy is idle, there is tons of material on the net, in books, from friends and mothers. Just so you know, I too had to throw up, for four months and yes it did stop suddenly and yes good months followed. Those that came after were more arduous, anticipating a bit of an… -
Part 18: Apartment A long topic, because often discussed, much thought about it, dreamed about it, in a good mood and drenched in sweat, faced difficulties, solved problems and created new ones and still one of us lived in Prenzlauer Berg and another in Wedding. But our plan was to connect two adjacent apartments, which in fact already… -
Part 19: Being single Sometimes it’s hard to convey that this is exactly what was wanted and a free decision that I don’t regret and is one of the most wonderful things in my life that I’ve ever done, that I’m insanely happy and this child is not the stopgap for a failed partnership and that there is certainly… -
Part 21: Autumn Outside the window, the first day had begun with continuous rain and a wind that still pulled through the autumn jacket. I started sneezing and felt the need for cinnamon stars and ginger tea. It was clear, it’s autumn.A strange feeling came over me, because autumn meant that Christmas was not too far away and… -
Part 22: Parents II They brought chocolate, did laundry, came by every day. In the maternity ward. After the water broke. Suddenly. Eight weeks early. And at the hometown to boot. The birthday of your own mother. It should be the last family visit before the birth preparation course. But it was still in the belly. With it all… -
Part 23: First moments Contractions are no fun. No matter how big the child is. Not even in rosy hindsight. The experience of birth, however, is one of the most impressive in my life. Two eyes, a forehead, the hairline, behind it black sticky wet hair, an open mouth, toothless and again and again this forehead, somewhat flat and… -
Part 24: The trappings Social networks worked, no matter what you called yourself. Cousins, uncles, grandparents, neighbors, friends, colleagues, bowling buddies and former fellow students, they came by, called and sent packages, at least a few lines. And the head, that stood somewhere and yet you were happy and everything else for the time being beside the point. Only… -
Part 25: Being a woman, a mother, back to the roots – God rest our souls, the warm-hearted ones You would think that today motherhood would be something modern in the traditional, something that fits into 2014. There is parental leave and parental allowance, daycare vouchers, childminders and the tried and tested grandparents. And that’s great. I never once worried financially when I wanted to have children. We in Germany can consider ourselves damn… -
Part 26: First weeks The first time in the premature infant ward was tough. Between feeding, diapering, washing, pumping milk sometimes only thirty minutes remained and there had to be showered, eaten, slept, walked, there came visitors and oh yes, apply for birth certificate, child support, parental leave and parental allowance and maternity leave also took place.Postpartum gymnastics and… -
Part 27: First weeks II Our premature baby thrived diligently and steadily. Even though it took some time from 1490g to discharge, eventually our big day came too. From the microcosm with hand disinfection and sorting into the pecking order hospital into the big wide world it should go without traffic jam in the evening and in the dark. The… -
Part 28: The upheaval These twice first weeks were limited and ran involuntarily towards the great upheaval. The upheaval brought an end to being in a cave and had been the topic for months, the move. The plan was for both Gianni and I to move, to two apartments next to each other, connected with a breakthrough so that… -
Part 29: First tour Florence, Rome, Milan. By cab to the airport. We just had too much stuff for the commuter rail. With the stroller to the gate. Put on seat belt and receive life jacket for babies. Milla looked into a book, eventually fell asleep, and after landing, she yawned once hard. That was it and we were… -
Part 33: Third tour Kaoshiung, Taiwan. The sun was shining behind the clouds. This was advantageous, even so we reached tropically humid 30 degrees, which immediately put a damp film on the skin when we first stepped out of the air-conditioned airport. It was dark when we arrived, neon signs with Chinese characters on the side of the road,… -
Part 34: Berlin … was already spring-like and housed us for two months. A daily routine set in. Lots of fresh air and lots of alone time. The other mothers had older children and had mostly returned to their desks. A week to the grandparents. Milla began to slur her words and because she was so fond of… -
Part 35: Being a family 1. For me, the fronts are clear. I am a lesbian. I am single. Gianni is a good friend. We never had sex. My environment knows that. Sometimes, I have the impression, I have to justify that Gianni and I get along well. Sometimes, it seems to me, I almost have to prove that there… -
Part 36: Fourth Tour Italy up and down. In the meantime we were here so often that the view for the small pretty trivialities almost got lost. We lived with and belonged to it and yet not. At least I don’t. I felt the constraints that a daughter-in-law could get into, and yet I remained a guest, because that’s… -
Part 37: Priorities It used to be different. If you woke up and your throat hurt, if your muscles were heavy and the thermometer showed something you didn’t like, you probably had pulled the covers back over your head and thought, hey, one day without feeling guilty about not going to work. Now you thought rather, all right,… -
Part 38: And what do the others say Your wife, they said to Gianni. Your husband, they said to me. At first we didn’t really know what to say about it then, and sometimes we still didn’t know later. Gianni, however, had fun finding out. Tried and tested was: we are not a couple. Uh-huh. We were never one either. Ahaa. We are… -
Part 39: Turning point Kita: 17.09.2014. X Day.The Italians said to it: La pancia e buio (it’s dark in the belly). Remo Largo (famous pediatrician and, by the way, also Italian) said: put the children in the cribs! And my feeling said: out with you, you little worm, walk into the world!In fact, I was excited and calm at… -
Part 40: Thanks to One of Gianni’s good friends, Paul White, once said: everyone should have a friend like Gianni. I don’t think there’s anything to add to that. Everyone should have a friend like Gianni! I thank Gianni Bettucci. And to my parents of course! What would I be without them? And to my friends who always have… -
The generation question Some time ago I found myself on a talk show. This was a serious format on public German television, where things are basically quite personal. I came into a large hall. Rows of chairs dipped in blue shadowy light surrounded a centrally arranged sofa landscape in a circle. Beige and brightly lit, the cone of… -
The new boyfriend of my daughter’s father Suddenly he is there, the new boyfriend of my daughter’s father. I had thought that would never happen anyway, the gentleman in my household, for all his dating, was ultimately incapable of relationship, no one would ever get involved with someone who lived on meat broth, pickles and mayonnaise. And then I realize that I… -
Be sick Being sick. Coughs, colds and hoarseness are annoying. However, when I find myself in the waiting area of an ambulance station, hanging my own white coat on the hook and holding my head between my hands, and I know that you can fix it, but that it’s significantly worse than a bladder infection, I continue… -
It bangs and it stinks… …to me tremendously. First he was there, the new friend. Then he was gone again. We were many and suddenly we were just us again. Corona came and went no more and we sat in the kitchen. Together and lonely at the same time. From the window we saw the flutter tape stretched around the…
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